Fiction | Weekly Features (June 2023)

The woman with chocolate skin and pitch-black hair practically sashays to the front of the room, leaving a trail of heavenly perfume in her wake.

She stands there for a moment, arms clasped behind her back, eyes downcast. She clears her throat, and the small audience waits with the utmost patience.

The woman takes a deep shaky breath, “Uhhh… hi, everyone… my name is God and I’m an alcoholic.”

The teenager in the back holds in a snort of laughter.

“It started when I created you all. And that happened mostly because I just wanted someone to recognize my hard work and appreciate me! Doesn’t everyone want to be appreciated?

A plant doesn’t have the mental capacity to worship me! A river doesn’t do much other than just exist! At first, I created other animals to fill the void and cure me of my boredom but all they do is poop, eat, sleep, and procreate.

I wanted to create something fun! Something interesting! Something intelligent! Creatures who were capable of singing songs in my praise and painting portraits of me and dedicating whole days to me!

So, I created you people.

At first, it wasn’t so bad. There weren’t that many of you but then you ‘evolved’ – you started to think waaaaayyyy too much. You had your own interpretations on literally everything! Most of which are completely wrong by the way!

But what really got me are all the words! All the words you send up to me all the time! Billions of voices whining together – how am I possibly supposed to hear you? Every once in a while, I’ll pick up a coherent thing or two and will really wish I hadn’t.

‘Please, God, just let me pass my Calculus final!’

Maybe you should have thought of studying more instead of throwing ragers every weekend Brad from Alpha Kappa Gamma Whatever!

‘Please God, don’t let it rain today!’

Why would I give a flying fuck if you have a bad hair day, Maya from Milwaukee!?

And what really, really, really drives me crazy is the wars! All your dumb wars where half of you beg me to destroy the other half while the other half is asking for the same exact thing!

I started drinking to drown all of you out! The first drink or two, I hit my sweet spot and start tossing miracles out like they’re nothing. But then I’ll keep drinking and get mean and start killing innocent people for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Then you all whine even louder and harder! Which just makes me drink more.

I’m tired. I’m tired of this cycle and I don’t want to do it anymore. I need a fresh start – a clean slate – literally. Some peace and quiet. Some time to truly focus on myself. Do some deep internal reflection and learn from my mistakes. I need an apocalypse.”

The teenager in the back starts cackling maniacally.

He’s still laughing when the rays of brilliant white light erupt from every pore in the woman’s body and engulf the entire universe from end to end.

God stands completely still, a flicker of a content smile on her face, her arms outstretched. She closes her eyes and breathes in deeply – letting the peace of pure silence wash over her.   

“Finally,” she sighs with relief.