Just click this link

From: Chris

To: Lara

Subject: This matter is sent with high impotence

Recent activities mean that there is a temporary suspension on your credit card, Lara. Click the link reactive it.

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Dear Chris,

Thanks for the warning. My ex has this credit card, so I’ve forwarded your email to him. You can’t be too careful can you! Just a thought — you might be taken more seriously without the typos — did you really mean impotent?

Best, Lara

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From: Excelsior

To: Lara

Subject: Impotence affecting you? Free supplies

Click this link to claim your free supplies of our performance boosting tablets

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Dear Excelsior,

Seriously?

Best, Lara

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From: Pascale

To: Lara

Subject: Looking for ways to make your sentences sing? 

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Dear Pascale,

I know this website, actually. I used to teach English as a foreign language before Brexit hit and we all had to go online. Then I was one of the casualties. “Lara,” they said, “you’re lovely, all the students love you, or they would if you’d only let them out of the zoom waiting room.” Anyway, thanks for the recommendation but what I need right now is a bit of divine intervention.

Best, Lara

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From: Estella

Subject: Something stellar is coming your way, Lara. Click on your star sign to find out more

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Dear Estella,

My ex was Sagittarius. A warrior and a poet, he told me when we first met. He gambled half our savings on the Grand National — half man half horse, he thought. Got beaten up leaving the bookies, which is poetic justice in my view. Flippant, you’re saying? Flaky? Air sign? I’ll leave you to guess. What do you believe in, Estella?

Best, Lara

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From: Alex

Subject: Looking for love? We have hundreds of men or women waiting for you, Lara

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Dear Alex,

That’s very nice of you but I’m okay for now. Are you single? Don’t suppose you’ve got practical skills, have you? The washing machine packed in today, after flooding the kitchen floor, and plumbers are as rare as hens’ teeth round here. I’ve spent the morning mopping up, and the clothes are only half clean and draped all over the furniture. I would take the stuff to the laundrette but I had a little prang in the car and it’s out of action.

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From: Marcus

Subject: Road accident lawsuit

Have you been in a car accident that wasn’t your fault, Lara? Click the link below

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Dear Marcus,

Bless you, I’d love to claim but to be honest it was my fault — the ex got in the way with his bike. It’s been a terrible week. I’m unemployed, freezing, likely to be homeless any day. You couldn’t send some cash my way, could you?

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From: Chris

Subject: Get 10 free spins if you click this link, Lara. You could win $10,000

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Dear Chris,

Are you the same Chris that told me I had problems with my credit card? Well get this, I’ve just won $10,000 with my 10 free spins! You’re an absolute poppet. The promoters want a photo of me celebrating, so I’ve attached one here — I’m standing in a pool of water, with washing all around me, waving a bottle of champagne. Open it and have a look.

Best, Lara

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Chris/Excelsior/Pascale/Estella/Alex/Marcus swivelled on his ergochair as he read Lara’s email. No one had ever won on the free spins before. He grinned, and hit the attachment. The grin dropped as a bomb icon flashed and his screen disappeared into fragments.