The Driving Test

Charlie hoovered the car and gave the windscreen an extra polish before he knocked on Rita’s door. She stood smiling, the kind of smile which didn’t travel to the eyes. She clutched her handbag to her chest.

“Well Madam, shall we go?” He swept one arm in the direction of his Ford Fiesta.

She moved towards the car, a stiffness in her gait. She walked like this when she had her flat shoes on.

He took her elbow. “Ye’ll be fine Rita.” She looked like she could do with a hug, but of course he couldn’t do that. Not here in the street in front of all his neighbours.

Minnie-from-up-the road caught sight of them and called over. “It’s today isn’t it, hen? Dinnae worry, ye’ll pass wi’ flyin colours.” Minnie waved away imaginary problems like bees in her path as she continued on up to the Co-op.

Rita remained standing on the pavement, chewing her lip, as Charlie climbed into the passenger seat. He had been teaching Rita to drive for the last few months in the hope he could pluck up the courage to ask her out. He hadn’t managed to do that yet.

“C’mon Rita,” his tone was soft, “Ye’ve driven this car a hundred times. It’s nothin different. Take a deep breath. Let’s go.”

She lowered herself into the driver’s seat and spoke for the first time. “I feel a bit sick.”

“I know, I know, that’s only natural, but ye’ve passed the theory bit, and this’ll take less than an hour. Then you’ll be an official driver. Think of that.” He beamed at Rita. She blinked a few times in rapid succession.

There was a loud knock on the passenger window. Charlie jumped.

A voice yelled, “Hiya”.

Wee Davie. That was all they needed. Wee Davie howked his jeans up and motioned to roll the window down. Charlie complied with a sigh. Wee Davie stuck his head in.

“Hey Rita. It’s today, eh? Yer driving test? Ye must be absolutely scared tae death.”

Charlie grimaced and did a zipping motion across his mouth. Rita looked at Wee Davie then straight ahead.

Wee Davie chuckled, and scrubbed his sandy hair back and forward. “Just kiddin…although ma brother’s wife had a hell o a time at her test. She had the toughest examiner, a Mr Stevens. Wi a ‘v’. Who have you got, hen?”

Rita’s hands clutched the steering wheel, in the ten to two position.

Charlie held Wee Davie’s gaze. “We dinnae ken who it is til we get up there.” He mouthed ‘bugger off’ at him.

“… Well ma brother’s wife had Mr Stevens, an’ he was a right hard bastard. Face like thunder. Didnae give anythin’ away. Says, ‘Right Mrs Moffat, I want ye tae dae an emergency stop when I bang this dashboard.’”

“Aye fair enough Davie, but we’re no wantin’ tae hear aboot it right now…”

“Aye, but hang on, she got such a fright when he banged the dashboard, quite aggressive like, that she puts her foot down hard on the accelerator. Shoots away up the street like a bat oot o hell.”

Charlie pushed Wee Davie’s arms out of the car and started to roll the window up as he spoke to Rita.

“Drive off. Now.”

“I can’t…”

Charlie sensed that tears were not far away. He made some soothing noises and watched distractedly as a thin figure dressed in electric green sailed up the street. A familiar shape. His ex-wife. Sadie. Every situation was made ten times worse when Sadie got involved. They would need to get away, sharpish.

He tried not to let his voice betray his emotions. “Rita, I know ye’re anxious. But ye can do this. Just start the engine up.”

Sadie was only five houses away.

“I can’t…I can’t do it.”

“Okay, okay. Well, I tell ye what. I’ll drive up to the test centre.”

“No, I meant the test. I can’t sit the test.”

“Of course you can!” He touched her sleeve. Soft wool, warm. She smelt like a summer day. But he couldn’t be distracted. Not right now. “Think how great it will be to have your own car, to drive yerself around. Go wherever you want. Freedom.” He was speaking fast. But not fast enough.

Sadie had drawn level with the car.

He heard her cross examine Wee Davie on the pavement. “What’s goin on here then?”

“Well, Rita’s got her drivin test an she’s havin a bit o a panic attack. I telt her aboot ma sister-in-law, tried tae lighten the mood, ye ken, but it didnae seem tae work.”

Sadie sucked her cheeks in. Her scarlet lips made a perfect ‘o’ and her earrings which appeared to be made of feathers flapped in the wind.

She opened one of the rear doors and slipped into the back seat. “Hiya Rita, anythin I can dae tae help?”

Charlie swivelled round in his seat. “Sadie, I dinnae think…”

“Ye might need a paper bag.”

“Eh?”

“For Rita to breathe into if she’s havin a panic attack.”

Charlie clenched his back teeth.

Sadie tapped Rita on the shoulder. “Will I take ye home and make ye a wee cup of tea, hen?”

Rita’s eyes, holding back the water for so long, released the flood. Sadie poked Charlie’s shoulder.

“Oh, see what ye’ve done now.”

Charlie glowered.

Minnie-from-up-the-road had returned from the shops, bag for life in hand. Wee Davie shouted across the road.

“It’s aw kickin off here. Rita’s havin a meltdown. Sadie’s tryin tae calm her doon.”

Minnie came round to the driver’s side and shouted through the window.

“Are ye alright Rita?”

Sadie beckoned her into the car. Minnie shook her head.

“Naw, I cannae go a run in the car the now, I’ll need tae get ma butter in the fridge.” She held up her bag.

Charlie got out of the car and shouted louder than he meant to. “Right Minnie, away and get yer messages in the fridge.” He opened the rear door. “Sadie, get oot the car. Davie, see ye later.”

Sadie got out of the car and stomped away in a huff.

He leaned in more gently to Rita. “Switch over to the passenger seat, let’s go up the road where we can get peace tae think.”

Rita shuffled across and he drove off, a bit too fast for a residential street. But away from the distraction of the others he was thinking… If Rita failed the test, she would need more driving lessons, to build up her confidence before she re-sat it. For another few weeks, or maybe months. They would get to spend more time together, and maybe next week he would ask her out, take her to the cafe at the garden centre or a nice walk around the Botanic Gardens.

As he parked the car at the test centre and switched off the engine, her hand reached out and held his. Just for a moment, then she squeezed it and withdrew. He couldn’t make eye contact right away. He did a little jig inside his head, the sky got a shade bluer and the sun came out.

There was a knock on the window. “Hello, Rita Lawrie? I’m your examiner Mr Stevens.”