SK: If a detective looked at your browser tabs right now, would they arrest you, call an exorcist, or buy you a weighted blanket?
PBD: They would arrest me, but I would escape by causing them to have an existential crisis when I point out that they’re a fictional character created for the purpose of this question, then I’d write a scene in which a piano drops on them.
When you’re stuck on a scene, grappling for a metaphorical weapon, do you precision-strike like a sniper, or spray and pray like Trump?
There is one piece of writing advice that never fails: When in doubt, begin with a sex scene. Then do some writing.
Would you rather your protagonists sue you for emotional distress and gross negligence or be sentenced to life in a Happy Ending colony?
My protagonists are ungrateful swine. I go to all the trouble of creating them, and they repay me by demanding a life of their own and doing whatever they want. And that’s just in my own work. God knows what they get up to in their spare time, when they’re not in my stories or scripts. I strongly suspect they’re moonlighting in other people’s work. I plan to fit tracking devices to them in the future.
What font do you write in and why is it superior to everyone else’s?
I write in Comic Sans, because if you can make your writing work in Comic Sans, you can make it work in anything. No, I’m lying. I use Times New Roman because I’m a grownup.
Oxford Comma: Life-saving necessity or pretentious clutter?
The Oxford Comma is a fundamental pillar of culture, decency, and Western civilization itself. Anyone who disagrees should suffer a plague of typos; as for the proofreaders who overlook it, they should face the electric choir, or a firing squid.
Plotter or Pantser? (Start with structure or fly by the seat of your pants writing)
I’m very strict with myself. I plan everything. Every day, I read what I wrote the previous day, and decide it’s rubbish. Then I delete most of it and write some new stuff, but slightly less than I wrote the day before. I continue this process for several months until I’m left with a single, perfect word. Then, and only then, I delete it.
What’s your writing ritual and why is it a cursed superstition?
Before I can start writing in the morning, I need five freshly-sharpened HB pencils, of precisely equal length, on the desk beside me. I don’t use them: I write on a computer like everyone else, but I have a stationery fetish. Also, the part about writing in the morning may need reappraisal. There are two types of writer: those who begin the day with yoga and write three thousand words before lunch, and those who begin the day with lunch. Which type am I? Take a wild guess.
What non-existent job do you wish existed?
Professional napper. We cannot call ourselves a truly civilised society until napping is a respected career choice paying a living wage.
What’s the last thing you researched that has probably put you on a government watchlist?
Government watchlists.
Drafting fuel: coffee, tea, liquor, Haribo or the tears of your antagonists?
Hemingway said “Write drunk, edit sober.” Personally, I’d go further and add that you should rewrite on cocaine, query agents while abusing opioids, read rejections on Valium, self-publish on ketamine, attend book signings while microdosing with peyote and when nobody comes, get drunk and start writing again.
Ask AI to write a story or poem in your author’s voice. Does AI know who the hell you are? Will AI admit that they don’t know who the hell you are?
I asked AI to write a novel in my own style. It immediately cleaned the house, did the laundry, then spent the rest of the day dicking around on the internet.
Your author’s bio as clickbait headline.
Paul Bassett Davies is writer in residence, at his house. He’s been writing for forty years, and he still hasn’t finished. Find out why.
What’s the most useless talent you possess that you humblebrag about?
I can wiggle my ears. For a small consideration, I’ll wiggle yours, too.
PAUL BASSETT DAVIES – YOU HAVE PASSED THE WRITER’S GAUNTLET!
THANK YOU FOR YOUR WIT AND WRITERLY WISDOM!
Paul Bassett Davies began his career in experimental multimedia performance before creating a series of one-man shows. He then worked in radio and television with some of the biggest names in British comedy. His radio plays have starred actors like Bill Nighy, Alison Steadman, and David Hemmings.
He is the author of four published novels and a collection of stories. One of his stories was selected for an anthology by Stephen King, who said it was “Mordantly funny; Poe would have liked it.” His novel, Dead Writers in Rehab, has recently been republished in a new edition by Eye Books.
Paul has made several short films, and devised music videos for Ken Russell and Kate Bush, and he wrote the screenplay for the feature animation film The Magic Roundabout.
He has recently returned to the stage and is performing in a play he wrote, The Summer Palace, which created a buzz at this year’s Brighton Fringe Festival and is receiving a new production in November, initially in Brighton again, before a limited tour.
Paul has also been the vocalist in a punk band, a DJ, a welder’s mate, and a cab driver.
He runs writing workshops and provides script feedback and mentoring. He is a director of Euroscript Ltd., the UK’s longest-established script consultancy service.
@thewritertype (IG/X)
@Paul.BassettDavies (FB)
