SK: If a detective looked at your browser tabs right now, would they arrest you, call an exorcist, or buy you a weighted blanket?
RNM: I’m a crime writer. Of course, they would arrest me. Most of my tabs are basically variations on ‘how long does it take for an adult male to bleed out?’ or ‘how many barrels of sulphuric acid will I need to dissolve a dead body?’ Seriously though, I would probably get arrested just for having too many tabs open. I seem to have a pathological fear of closing them down. I worry that if I close a webpage I might not be able to find it again. (I’m not sure I really understand how the internet works.) Every now and then my laptop freezes and I lose them all. I go through the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. Only then can I begin to rebuild my tab bar.
When you’re stuck on a scene, grappling for a metaphorical weapon, do you precision-strike like a sniper, or spray and pray like Trump?
I try not to do anything like Trump. I’m more like the old constipated mathematician, working it out with a pencil. Sorry. That’s a terrible joke. There’s a saying that hard writing makes easy reading and I suppose that’s true, though it’s a lot more enjoyable when it flows like a river in spate. Or a dodgy toilet overflow. Or something. Suddenly, you’re taking dictation from your subconscious and your fingers are flying over the keyboard as you try to keep up with the dazzling brilliance that’s pouring out of you without any conscious intervention. Doesn’t happen very often, got to be honest. More often than not, it’s just a long laborious slog. I sit at my desk day after day thinking, ‘I don’t know how to write this.’ Usually, it helps to focus on something specific, a concrete detail. It could be anything, a reflection of the moon, the smell of wood smoke, the shape of a cloud… That may be the way into the scene, like an actor trying to get the walk right.
To go back to the question, I don’t really think metaphorically. I start with the practicalities. Who’s in this scene? Where are they? What are they doing? And what needs to happen? Sometimes, I trick myself. I work all that out, the who, the where, the what and the other what, and then I go off in a completely different direction. I almost do the opposite of what I thought I was going to do. That keeps it unpredictable, even for me. If you’re surprising yourself as a writer, there’s a chance you may surprise your reader. Of course, you then create a problem for yourself because the story has not gone where it was supposed to. Naughty story. But, you know, maybe that unlocks something else. Or maybe you end up stuck again. And have to repeat the whole process. Remind me, why do we do this?
Would you rather your protagonists sue you for emotional distress and gross negligence or be sentenced to life in a Happy Ending colony?
It’s important to make your protagonists suffer as much as possible. It’s for their own good, after all. How else are they going to learn anything? Also, I think my writing tends to the darker edge of the crime fiction spectrum. People murder people. So that’s quite distressing. And the potential for happy endings is limited. That said, I do try to come to some sort of emotional resolution. Not a happy ending exactly but, you know, maybe a lightening of the dark. Not everyone dies.
Would you rather delete your favourite 5,000-word chapter or replace every instance of ‘said’ with ‘ejaculated’?
I’ve written quite a few historical novels so technically I am allowed to slip in the occasional ejaculation. But I exercise self-restraint. My characters may be in the 19th century but my readers aren’t. I don’t want them sniggering like Beavis and Butthead every time a character opens their mouth.
If your WIP characters were ghosts, would they help you find your keys or rearrange your furniture to match the mess in your head?
Wait. Someone is moving around the furniture. Do you think it could be them?
Are your characters named after ancient deities and celestial bodies, or did you just glance at a spice rack and decide ‘Cumin’ sounded heroic?
Some of my books are set in Russia. I needed to come up with a lot of Russian names so I basically just plundered Dostoevsky. A reader once complained they struggled with the names. I said, ‘You think it’s hard reading a book with Russian names? Try writing one.’
Oxford Comma: Life-saving necessity or pretentious clutter?
An editor once told me, ‘There are too many commas in this book.’ I still use them but mainly out of spite.
Plotter or Pantser?
I used to be a pantser. I’d have this idea for a story and I’d just want to start writing it. Immediately. I didn’t want to bother with all that tedious plotting business. Then I’d sort run out of steam, or maybe just stop because I’d had enough. Then, after years of rejection and disappointment, I thought, What happens if I work out the ending before I start? It was soon after I started doing that that my first novel was accepted.
A few years ago, I did some work with a TV producer. The project didn’t go anywhere but it was a very interesting process. Writing the treatment involved planning out every episode in great detail. Beat by beat. He then gave me detailed notes on my beat-sheets and I had to revise them. This went on for months without a word of the actual script being written. He described the process as travelling along an uncharted river and bringing back a map of what you have seen. So now I always picture myself in a canoe when I’m plotting. And I put on a safari suit and pith helmet.
What non-existent job do you wish existed?
Novelist. You know, in the sense that this was actually a job where you got paid a decent living wage for doing it. With a pay cheque at the end of the month, annual vacation and sick pay. Also maybe a stationery allowance? I know, it’s a stupid, crazy, unrealistic idea. And okay, I know some people do manage to make a lot of money from writing but apparently the average annual income of professional writers in the UK is £7,000. And that includes Richard Osman’s earnings.
Would you rather your status on Submittable remain forever ‘received’ or ‘in-progress’?
‘In-progress’ offers marginally more hope. Either way, it’s basically Schrodinger’s submission. It’s both accepted and rejected. Hang on a sec. I’m just going to check my inbox. Thanks for reminding me.
Which creature adds more joy to your world: butterflies or geckos?
I don’t really have much to do with geckos on a day-to-day basis, but I enjoy a good flutter on the horses, so butterflies win on branding alone.
Cursor status: blinking and judgmental or solid and reassuring?
I feel more alive when it blinks. At my age, you have to take your adrenaline rushes where you can find them.
What’s the last thing you researched that has probably put you on a government watchlist?
‘Where does MI6 train its spies?’ Not far from me, as it turns out. A research trip is in the pipeline. If you never hear from me again you know they got me.
Drafting fuel: coffee, tea, liquor, Haribo or the tears of your antagonists?
Coffee. Everything starts with coffee, though my caffeine consumption has reduced over the years. Which may be why I now need an afternoon nap.
Are you a ruthless assassin or a sentimental hoarder on a kill your darlings scale?
I’m a sentimental assassin. I will cut what needs to be cut but I don’t delete it permanently. I lock it away in an ‘out-takes’ folder – the literary equivalent of a psychopath’s basement. Occasionally, I go in there and switch on the flickering light. Like a serial killer browsing his trophies.
Stinky Books: old library vanilla or fresh-off-the-press chemicals?
Don’t tell anyone but I mostly read on a Kindle these days. It’s aroma-neutral, sadly. I think that should be the next technological advance – an e-reader that releases subtle but evocative scents, like the smell of madeleines if you’re reading Proust. Forget all this AI bollocks.
Your author’s bio as a clickbait headline?
Bewildered Old Man Held Hostage By Imaginary Criminals And A Cat.
How do you write: sitting like a human or perched like a gargoyle?
I’m often writhing on the edge of my seat because of all the coffee I’ve drunk. The crazy thing is the toilet is only three paces from the room I work in but when the words are flowing it’s hard to break off. Of course, the danger is something else starts flowing. But I like to take risks in my writing.
Describe your latest WIP using three emojis and no context.
🕵️♂️ 🛫 😬
Would you prefer a 1-star review that says ‘This changed my life for the worse’ or a 3-star one that says ‘It was fine’?
I’ll take the three stars, please. It’s better for my average.
Are you an Ellipsis… (trailing off into mystery) or an Exclamation Point! (perpetually caffeinated and/or yelling)?
Why choose…! I live in Portugal so I like to trail off mysteriously while yelling in italics.
In a post-apocalyptic world, is your primary contribution navigating by the stars or knowing which snacks stay edible the longest?
Bagsy snack adviser. Though to be honest, I’ll probably just say ‘yeah, that should be fine’ to everything then wait to see what happens when you eat it.
If you had to turn into an animal for an hour every day, are you a Majestic Hawk (great view, very cold) or a Fat Housecat (great nap, very judged)?
I am a Fat Housecat anyhow so I’ll take turning into a Majestic Hawk just for a change of perspective. It gets me out of the house and it’s only an hour a day. Besides, soaring and swooping through the sky is a great way to get to grips with the concept of ‘psychic distance’ in writing. If you don’t know what that is, check out Emma Darwin’s Substack, This Itch of Writing. It’s very good.
What would harm your work more – 100% obeying autocomplete or ignoring spellcheck?
Obeying autocomplete, 100%. I hate it. I hate all AI. It’s an abdication of authorial voice. That sounds very pompous, doesn’t it? Maybe I should get AI to soften the tone a bit.
Write in charcoal on a twig or a typewriter with a 20ft pole?
I think wielding a 20ft pole would get wearing pretty quickly. My forearms ache just thinking about it. So I’ll go for charcoal on a twig, though I would need a lot of twigs if I’m going to write a whole 90,000-word novel like that. Alternatively, a massive twig.
If you could have dinner with your favourite author, what weapon would you bring?
The author is Dostoevsky and the weapon is a roulette wheel. I definitely owe him dinner, at the very least. I purloined one of his characters (Porfiry Petrovich) and put him centre stage in my own novels. So I reckon he would have beef with me. He was a compulsive gambler so my hope is that the roulette wheel would distract him from my crime and I would escape punishment. Once he’s calmed down, we could get into a conversation about the importance of risk-taking in writing.
R. N. MORRIS – YOU HAVE PASSED THE WRITER’S GAUNTLET!
THANK YOU FOR YOUR WIT AND WRITERLY WISDOM!
R.N. Morris started writing stories in primary school when he was still called Roger. Unlike most sensible people, he never stopped. His most recent novel, Cover Story, came out in November 2025. It’s about a neurotic writer who is recruited by MI6 to write a novel that will never see the light of day. The research was not much of a stretch.
His back catalogue includes a series of historical crime novels featuring Porfiry Petrovich, the investigating magistrate from Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment. Basically fan fiction for fans of axe murders and Russian melancholy.
He’s currently working on a sequel to Cover Story. Nobody asked him to. He just is.
Website: https://rogernmorris.co.uk
Instagram/threads: @rogermorris7988
Substack: @rogermorris
Twitter/X: @rnmorris
Bluesky: @rnmorris.bsky.social
