SK: If a detective looked at your browser tabs right now, would they arrest you, call an exorcist, or buy you a weighted blanket?
HL: They would jot my name down in their jotter and leak it to the press for a quiet day when gossip about a deviant and war mongering ‘division k’ celebrity might make it on to the Mail On Sunday Dairy page. He would charge £25.00
When you’re stuck on a scene, grappling for a metaphorical weapon, do you precision-strike like a sniper, or spray and pray like Trump?
I look at past notes I made for teaching comedy novel writing and pilfer an example which has the potential to increase in urgency IE funeral parlour that then has a bomb planted in it – which turns out to be an air-fyer…and conclude that we ae all sheep and slaves to being exploited by profit seeking tech companies (air-fyer people) and that since we are all going to die anyway we should accept death and be original thinkers
What’s a word you’ve used in a draft that you definitely don’t know how to pronounce?
Plagiarism – is it a soft or hard ‘g’
Would you rather your protagonists sue you for emotional distress and gross negligence or be sentenced to life in a Happy Ending colony?
The latter
Would you rather delete your favourite 5,000-word chapter or replace every instance of ‘said’ with ‘ejaculated’?
The latter
Are your characters named after ancient deities and celestial bodies, or did you just glance at a spice rack and decide ‘Cumin’ sounded heroic?
I would worry that ‘cumin’ might sound too northern for a southern character in the height of an orgasm – but ‘pepper’ might work for a mild mannered spaniel character
If you could magically delete one trope from existence, which one are you throwing under the bus with zero regrets?
I would now banish ‘nuanced’ as a trop although I’m rather proud of inventing it back in 2018 on a ‘going back to stand up show’ at the Edinburgh festival when there was more scope to put ‘feminism’ into the pot of topics without being cancelled
Do your protagonists guide you toward the light, or sit on your shoulder whispering, ‘Kill the mentor, kill the mentor’?
They guide to the light- because their flaws are their power
If your WIP characters were ghosts, would they help you find your keys or rearrange your furniture to match the mess in your head?
I’m not sure what WIP means but I would hope they would be helpful on both counts
What font do you write in and why is it superior to everyone else’s?
I do ‘times new roman’ because if I go fancy it looks cheap and like a greetings card
Oxford Comma: Life-saving necessity or pretentious clutter?
Lifesaving if I had to choose
Plotter or Pantser? (Start with structure or fly by the seat of your pants writing)
Pantser -it’s all about the connectable quality of the character but there predicament is also needed so plot cannot be avoided, or it will be a self-indulgent mess
What’s your writing ritual and why is it a cursed superstition?
Complete silence – I turn into a bad tempered old woman and slam the door -if I hear creaking on the landing or I may cry out and say ‘for God’s sake’ if I hear sneezing from next door
One word that makes you go feral every time you see it misused?
‘glow up’
What non-existent job do you wish existed?
Being me
Would you rather find a typo in the first sentence of your freshly published novel or the last?
Last
Would you rather your status on Submittable remain forever ‘received’ or ‘in-progress’?
I would prefer ‘adored’
What cartoon character best represents your ride or die? (Alternatively explain why ‘ride or die’ makes you go feral)
Miss Piggy
Which creature adds more joy to your world: butterflies or geckos?
Butterflies
If you could teleport, but only to places you’ve tripped and fallen, where are you tripping?
For the first time I’m not quite understanding the question
Cursor status: blinking and judgmental or solid and reassuring?
Blinking and judgmental
What’s the last thing you researched that has probably put you on a government watchlist?
War crimes
Drafting fuel: coffee, tea, liquor, Haribo or the tears of your antagonists?
Coffee and old biscuits
Are you a ruthless assassin or a sentimental hoarder on a kill your darlings scale?
The latter
Stinky Books: old library vanilla or fresh-off-the-press chemicals?
The latter
Your author’s bio as a clickbait headline?
Helen Lederer is funny, quite fat and enjoys physical pursuits – she pursues these a lot…
How do you write: sitting like a human or perched like a gargoyle?
Sitting fully dressed
Describe your latest WIP using three emojis and no context.
I’m slow to the emoji canvas… but wine and clapping seem ok
One word you’ve banned from your vocab because you’ve overused it?
Nuanced
‘Chaos Desk’ or ‘Aesthetic Nook’?
Chaos desk
Would you prefer a 1-star review that says ‘This changed my life for the worse’ or a 3-star review that says ‘It was fine’?
The latter
Are you an Ellipsis… (trailing off into mystery) or an Exclamation Point! (perpetually caffeinated and/or yelling)?
The latter
Would you rather commit bookish blasphemy by dog-earring the pages of a rare first edition or reading the ending of every book before you start chapter one?
The former
In a post-apocalyptic world, is your primary contribution navigating by the stars or knowing which snacks stay edible the longest?
I’ve just eaten an old biscuit that looked like a penguin -someone found it – the person who was de cluttering my office. Yes, I have an office
Who is your ultimate nemesis: the person who types ‘K’ as a full response or the person who leaves 1 second left on the microwave?
The former
If you had to turn into an animal for an hour every day, are you a Majestic Hawk (great view, very cold) or a Fat Housecat (great nap, very judged)?
The latter
Is ‘breakfast for dinner’ a symbol of freedom or a sign that society has failed?
Freedom and evidence of Mount Jaro jabs
What’s the most useless talent you possess that you humblebrag about?
Double jointed thumb
THANK YOU FOR YOUR WIT AND WRITERLY WISDOM!
Helen is one of Britain’s best known familiar faces in the field of comedy, writing and acting. She is thrilled to still be alive and kicking.
She acts, she does stand up, she writes – there are the TV shows, radio shows, one woman shows, she does voices, she does speeches, she talks about wine, she writes about wine, and she drinks wine. And she set up Comedy Women in Print to shine a light on other women who write funny books.
Helen’s website: https://www.helenlederer.co.uk
Not That I’m Bitter (Helen Lederer’s award-winning memoir) on Amazon: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Audible-Not-That-Im-Bitter/dp/B0CZ4MJ57T/
Read the Not That I’m Bitter Reviews: https://www.helenlederer.co.uk/not-that-im-bitter-reviews
Comedy Women in Print Prize: https://www.comedywomeninprint.co.uk
Helen Lederer on Insta: https://www.instagram.com/helenlederer/
CWIP on Insta: https://www.instagram.com/cwipprize/
Helen on X: https://x.com/helenlederer
Helen on FB: https://www.facebook.com/helenlederer/
