(My book does, in fact, teach kids how to pick locks.)
SK: If a detective looked at your browser tabs right now, would they arrest you, call an exorcist, or buy you a weighted blanket?
MR: I’m not sure detectives are licensed to do the last two things, unless laws have changed recently. Luckily, the blankets in jail cells are quite hefty.
When you’re stuck on a scene, grappling for a metaphorical weapon, do you precision-strike like a sniper, or spray and pray like Trump?
I mean, look, any option that concludes with the phrase “…like Trump” makes the choice an easy one. But yeah, sniper all the way. One of my favourite writers, Clive James, used to say that he was good at “turning a phrase until it catches the light”. I try to do that.
What’s a word you’ve used in a draft that you definitely don’t know how to pronounce?
I’m pretty good at pronouncing. Speeling is harder, though.
Would you rather your protagonists sue you for emotional distress and gross negligence or be sentenced to life in a Happy Ending colony?
I have literally no idea what a happy ending colony is, and the fact that, clearly, you do, Sadie, is cause for concern.
Would you rather delete your favourite 5,000-word chapter or replace every instance of ‘said’ with ‘ejaculated’?
You’re doing it again. Sadie, are you ok? Do you need assistance? You’re worrying me. Should I give you a quick call? CAN YOU SMELL TOAST?
Are your characters named after ancient deities and celestial bodies, or did you just glance at a spice rack and decide ‘Cumin’ sounded heroic?
Most of my work is non-fiction, so the people are real, and when they ejaculate their names, that’s what I use. OH GOD WHAT DID YOU MAKE ME DO. SADIE.
If you could magically delete one trope from existence, which one are you throwing under the bus with zero regrets?
Alright, I’m going to momentarily stop trying to be amusing and actually answer this one. Kill the myth of talent. It doesn’t exist, and it’s a concept that does nothing but harm. There is no such thing as talent – there is skill, craft, desire, work and luck. Artistry isn’t magic that some people are good at; it’s a skill like plumbing – anyone could learn it, but not everyone wants to, or gets the chance.
Do your protagonists guide you toward the light, or sit on your shoulder whispering, ‘Kill the mentor, kill the mentor’?
They sit next to me as I write, drink my coffee and tell me to keep going.
If your WIP characters were ghosts, would they help you find your keys or rearrange your furniture to match the mess in your head?
They would smite my detractors so I can continue telling their stories.
What font do you write in and why is it superior to everyone else’s?
Wingdings. I read once that Dickens wrote in Wingdings, so it’s a nod to the great man. That could have been a dream, now that I think about it.
Oxford Comma: Life-saving necessity or pretentious clutter?
It’s a siren. A temptation. But sometimes you gotta swim out to the rocks and hear a song.
Plotter or Pantser? (Start with structure or fly by the seat of your pants writing)
Are you kidding? I’m autistic. I plan like a military general.
What’s your writing ritual and why is it a cursed superstition?
Routine. Wake up. Espresso. Write. Straight away. No checking emails, doomscrolling. Get stuck into it until the fuel runs out, then do all the other things that make up life.
One word that makes you go feral every time you see it misused?
Socialist.
What non-existent job do you wish existed?
How about a team of people whose jobs it is to continually kick tech bros in the shins. Hard.
Would you rather find a typo in the first sentence of your freshly published novel or the last?
Oh god that’s a brilliant question. I guess the last, because then, at least people haven’t picked it up, read the first page, figured I’m an incompetent idiot and put it down.
Would you rather your status on Submittable remain forever ‘received’ or ‘in-progress’?
I don’t understand. I’ve never had either of these. I just get either “Ignored” or “please walk into the sea.”
What cartoon character best represents your ride or die? (Alternatively explain why ‘ride or die’ makes you go feral)
Bugs Bunny. Bugs is my dude. Genderfluid agent of playful chaos, but never piss him off because he will destroy your entire life.
Which creature adds more joy to your world: butterflies or geckos?
Butterflies. But it’s super close. No shade to geckos.
If you could teleport, but only to places you’ve tripped and fallen, where are you tripping?
I fell down some stairs in Hong Kong. I slipped off a third-story window ledge in Malta. I tripped and fell flat on my face in front of 9000 people in Germany. Any of those places I’d be very happy to go back to. And yes, I have dyspraxia.
Cursor status: blinking and judgmental or solid and reassuring?
Blinking and reassuring. The heartbeat of creativity. Sylvia Plath’s brag of her heart: I am, I am, I am.
What’s the last thing you researched that has probably put you on a government watchlist?
Nice try.
Drafting fuel: coffee, tea, liquor, Haribo or the tears of your antagonists?
Espresso before. Espresso during. Cocktails afterwards.
Are you a ruthless assassin or a sentimental hoarder on a kill your darlings scale?
I’ll kill ‘em with my bare hands and stare into their eyes as I do.
Stinky Books: old library vanilla or fresh-off-the-press chemicals?
I’m the child of librarians. Gimme those old books.
Your author’s bio as a clickbait headline?
This America’s Got Talent loser wrote a book for kids about how to be criminals.
(My book does, in fact, teach kids how to pick locks.)
How do you write: sitting like a human or perched like a gargoyle?
Half of it gets done on trains and planes and hotel rooms in between my other job. For the other half, I’m reclined in a lovely easy chair with the laptop on my lap and a cat on the windowsill next to me.
Describe your latest WIP using three emojis and no context.
🛹🎼🖌
One word you’ve banned from your vocab because you’ve overused it?
I can’t tell you. It’s banned.
‘Chaos Desk’ or ‘Aesthetic Nook’?
Neat creativity machine!
Would you prefer a 1-star review that says ‘This changed my life for the worse’ or a 3-star review that says ‘It was fine’?
1 star all the way! Then you can quote it on your poster: “A STAR”
Are you an Ellipsis… (trailing off into mystery) or an Exclamation Point! (perpetually caffeinated and/or yelling)?
Online, I’m more of a trailing off kinda dude, but in my books, yeah, I EXCLAIM!
Would you rather commit bookish blasphemy by dog-earring the pages of a rare first edition or reading the ending of every book before you start chapter one?
I genuinely cannot fathom doing either of these things. But let’s say the first edition is a Jeffrey Archer. Then I’d feel fine about bending the corner. A lot.
In a post-apocalyptic world, is your primary contribution navigating by the stars or knowing which snacks stay edible the longest?
I’ll take care of the snacks. Twinkies last pretty much forever, but they’re not vegetarian, so I’m helping right away.
Who is your ultimate nemesis: the person who types ‘K’ as a full response or the person who leaves 1 second left on the microwave?
K is fine. I respect effective communication. The other thing may cause me to scoop out my brains with an ice cream spoon.
If you had to turn into an animal for an hour every day, are you a Majestic Hawk (great view, very cold) or a Fat Housecat (great nap, very judged)?
I know how my cat gets treated. Cat.
Is ‘breakfast for dinner’ a symbol of freedom or a sign that society has failed?
Breakfast is the finest food choice at any time of any day. Everyone knows this. This isn’t even a question. Come on now.
What’s the most useless talent you possess that you humblebrag about?
I’m genuinely fairly expert in a martial art that requires use of a scarf as a weapon. No self-defence system should rely on it being chilly out for your survival.
MAT RICARDO, YOU HAVE PASSED THE WRITER’S GAUNTLET.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR WIT AND WRITERLY WISDOM!
Mat Ricardo learned the ropes on the streets of Covent Garden, London, where he became a seasoned busker and street entertainer. He has since appeared on TV, performed for royalty, and put on shows all around the world, including for America’s Got Talent.
Mat has learned to deal with hecklers, stage nerves and just about everything going wrong on the night (including an airline losing all his props on the day of a show)!
Full of practical tips and tricks, this ingenious compendium will teach kids to perform the impossible, entertain their friends and gain the confidence they need to put on a show! He has written a regular column for Chortle, Britain’s leading website about comedy, alongside pieces for Time Out, The Huffington Post, BoingBoing, The Magic Circular and others, as well as maintaining a successful personal blog.
He is also an experienced on-stage interviewer, having conducted live interviews with some of the biggest stars of comedy and entertainment for the BBC, The National Theatre, at the Edinburgh festival, and on several West End stages.
He is an ambassador for the mental health-focused media nonprofit Mental Ideas.
Website: https://www.matricardo.com
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/MatRicardo
Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/cw/matricardo
@matricardo on IG, Bluesky & Threads
Faber snaps up Mat Ricardo’s ‘wonderful’ guide for children (The Bookseller)
