Sarp Sozdinler
1. In the beginning, there was nothing. And Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked the nothingness, and lo, it became something.
2. And he looked upon the something and said, “Let there be awesome.” And there was awesome. And it was good.
3. The First Day: And Chuck Norris gazed into the darkness and found it unworthy. So, with a sleight of hand, he severed the light from the dark. The darkness fled in terror, never to be seen again.
4. And the light did shine, not because it was commanded so, but because it feared what would happen if it didn’t.
5. The Second Day: And Chuck Norris did say, “Let there be firmament.” And the sky stretched itself wide, lest it anger him with its overcast tones.
6. And the clouds, knowing better than to disobey, promised to rain only at his discretion. Thus, hurricanes exist merely as whispers of Norris’ sneezes.
7. The Third Day: And he spake unto the waters, “Gather thyself, or face the wrath of my most complex roundhouse-kick to date.” And the waters obeyed, forming oceans, rivers, and a very small puddle in Ryan, Oklahoma that withered in fear of becoming a flood.
8. And he did command the earth to bring forth trees, and lo, they sprouted with fear-induced glee. The redwoods stood tall before him, lest they become firewood for his campfire.
9. The Fourth Day: And Chuck Norris set the sun, the moon, and the stars in the sky—not for himself, alas, for he needeth not their light to shine, but that mankind might know when to sleep and leave him alone.
10. And the sun asked, “How bright shall I shine?” And Chuck Norris spake, “Bright enough, but not so bright to insult me.” And that was the day the sun learned respect, burning only as much as its maker permitted.
11. The Fifth Day: And Chuck Norris called forth the creatures of the sea, the birds of the air, and the beasts of the land. And they came forth on time, out of fear of getting wiped out as species had they not.
12. And the lion was made king of the jungle, only because Chuck Norris declined the position.
13. And the shark, upon beholding him in its gaze, swore never to blink or do its shark-things again, lest it accidentally disrespect Norris and end up as sushi on his plate.
14. The Sixth Day: And Chuck Norris formed man from the dust and gave man a reality check. But man was weak, a mere hairless ape, and Chuck Norris granted him a rib so he might at least have some structural integrity.
15. And from that rib, he made woman, for he believeth the universe deserved a second chance, for man was nothing but pure disappointment.
16. And Chuck Norris grasped them in his all-seeing gaze and said unto them, “Be fruitful and multiply, but never forget who roundhouse-kicked you into existence.”
17. The Seventh Day: And Chuck Norris lay on a field of his making to have a Holy Power Nap—not because he was weary, for he knoweth not fatigue, but so that the world might have time to catch its breath.
18. And thus the world was completed. And it did tremble in his presence with gratitude.
19. And somewhere, in the distant cosmos, a black hole sighed in relief for not being on the receiving end of his judgment.
20. And all was good. For a while. Because Chuck Norris said so, and reality had no choice but to agree.
21. Amen.
Sarp Sozdinler has been published in Electric Literature, Kenyon Review, Masters Review, Fractured Lit, and Maudlin House, among other journals. His stories have been selected or nominated for such anthologies as the Pushcart Prize, Best Small Fictions, and Wigleaf Top 50. He is currently at work on his first novel in Philadelphia and Amsterdam.
Website: www.sarpsozdinler.com
Featured photo: Chuck Norris graffiti saying, “Don’t worry… I’m coming to rescue this city… Chuck,” in Osijek, Croatia, by Objavljeno (Wikimedia Commons)
