Alice Moon
“Twilight officially ruined my life.”
The vampire leans back in his chair, arms crossed.
“I can’t go anywhere without girls obsessing over me turning them into vampires. Everywhere I go, they beg me to bite them. And that’s not even the worst part.” He exhales sharply, shaking his head. “Over the past decade, they’ve started calling me Shadow Daddy. Who does that? Something is seriously wrong with this generation.”
“I understand your concerns,” the man in front of him nods with an unbothered expression.
“No, you don’t,” the vampire snaps. “I’ve spent centuries living for the thrill of the hunt. That’s what I do, appear in the night, stalk my prey, and let them tremble in fear.” His hands tighten into fists. “But now? I can’t. Last week I had my eyes on this beautiful young girl. She saw me in the corner of the bar and I ordered her a drink. She approached me and we talked the whole evening. I followed her home, I hid and stalked her for days. And she knew it was me. One night, I pinned her against her front door, my mouth at her neck, ready to sink my fangs in, and she sighed. She actually sighed and said I knew it. Beneath all that darkness, you just need someone to care.” He sits up, absolutely seething. “I was so offended I lost my appetite. Just turned around and left. Left!” His voice turns almost squeaky. “They all want to fix me. Why? I want to kill them, not be their tragic little project.”
The therapist hums thoughtfully. “It’s definitely difficult to be a vampire in the 21st century.”
He exhales, rubbing his temples. “Not only that, but some of them even try to help,” he air quotes. “They offered me sunscreen. Can you believe it? Sunscreen!” He slams his hand on the armrest. “They say Maybe you’re just allergic to UV. If it were just an allergy, I wouldn’t have to sleep in a coffin all day, would I?” He lets out a frustrated sigh, dragging a hand through his hair. “Doctor, what can I do?”
The therapist adjusts his glasses. “Well… have you ever actually tried sunscreen?”
The vampire stops mid rant. “I… I think I did once,” he says shifting in his chair “Maybe twenty, thirty years ago?” He frowns. “Didn’t feel great. Too thick. Made me look ridiculous.”
“Modern formulations are much better. If you have an Instagram account, there are thousands of skincare influencers who—”
“I do not have an Instagram account,” the vampire growls “I don’t show up in pictures.”
The therapist shrugs. “There are plenty of faceless accounts.”
The vampire groans.
“Well,” the man continues, flipping through his notes. “Have you tried embracing the change?”
“I did.” The vampire whines “When Interview with the Vampire came out, I had a blast. It was a novelty. But now, I have—” He pauses, searching for the word. “How do you say… when something makes your skin crawl in embarrassment?”
“It’s cringe.”
“Yes! Exactly that.” He groans. “Whenever they talk to me, I have the cringe. And the questions they ask,” He shudders. “Unbearable.”
The therapist taps his pen thoughtfully. “Well, we are currently hosting a support group if you’re interested. We have a ghost who is still pretty confused about Halloween costumes, he keeps mistaking trick-or-treaters for his wife. He died in his 90s, so he’s a bit senile.”
A haunted voice echoes from the hallway. “I’m not senile, doctor!” The man looks unbothered by it.
“This is not helping.” The vampire continues.
The therapist shrugs. “Maybe you could profit from it. Write a book, spin the narrative. Bad boys with tragic backstory sell.” He flips through his notes. “I actually have acquired a new patient dealing with a similar situation, I could give you his contact and maybe the two of you could have a chat? He improved significantly in the last few months. A King of Hell, accidentally summoned during a livestream on TikTok.”
The vampire stares. “On TikTok? Doctor, this will not help me. I need to get away from it. It’s getting out of control. There is no more respect. I’m an apex predator, if people are not scared of me anymore, what am I even supposed to do?”
The man offers a sympathetic nod. “I understand. That’s why I’d suggest we start with regular meetings with another group I run. I promise they all have experienced exactly everything you’re going through right now.” He pulls out his phone. “I’ll add you to the WhatsApp group chat and we’ll take it from here, okay?”
The vampire’s head snaps up. “A WhatsApp group? Are you kidding me? Is this a joke? What’s next, a Discord server?”
The therapist shrugs. “Actually, we have one. Many of my patients engage in role-playing to help them overcome their struggles.”
The vampire groans as his phone buzzes. He glares at the screen. The message reads ‘Cryptid Complains Anonymous’ followed by two bat emojis.
His eye twitches. A silent scream builds in his throat. “This makes me want to go out in broad daylight.”
The therapist taps his pen on the notebook again. “Just wait until you discover fan fictions.”
The vampire exhales through his nose. His fingers tighten around his phone. “… Fine. Add me to that Discord server.”
The therapist nods. “They meet Thursdays after 9 p.m.”
The vampire hesitates. “I’m busy on Thursdays… There is Hell’s Kitchen on TV.”
“The episodes are on Hulu, you can watch it after,” informs the other man.
“I want to avoid spoilers.”
The man seems to think for a moment looking at his agenda. “I can ask if they can meet one hour later?”
“That would be great, thanks, Doctor,” the vampire says, standing up and shaking his hand.
“I’ll see you next Wednesday. I do think we’re making progress here. This week I want you to focus on making a list of ten things that improved your existence in the last century. And we’ll discuss them together.”
A knock on the door catches their attention. “Come in,” says the therapist, barely looking up from his notes. A broad-shouldered, hairy man shuffles in scratching his arm. “Doctor, I’m stuck mid-transformation since the last full moon.”
The therapist glances over, unfazed. “Ah, Derek. You’re a day early, our appointment is scheduled for tomorrow. Do you remember the breathing exercises that we practiced last month?”
“Yeah, yeah,” he grumbles, “It’s just the whole hair thing… My girl’s going crazy with the shedding this season. Says I have to go to a groomer if I leave hair on her clothes again.”
“I’ve heard that the saloon down the corner has a really good deal on laser hair removal,” says the vampire bottoming up his jacket.
“Oh, that’s genius, man,” he says, clapping a big hairy hand on the vampire’s shoulder. “I’ll see if they can do a seasonal discount.”
The therapist shuts his agenda. “See? You’re already helping others adapt. You’ll have a good time with the group on Thursday.”
The vampire lets out a long, exhausted sigh. Waiting for dawn has never been more appealing.
Alice Moon is a weekend writer. Her stories are a mix of cozy daydreams and playful chaos, where everything and anything is possible. When she’s not writing, you can find her chasing ideas or immersing herself in her newest passion project. Currently, she is located in Utrecht, working out her next gig.
Featured photo by Cottonbro Studio (Pexels)
