Natalie Wolf
From blood found on his crown of thorns. The video first appears online, scientists in crisp lab coats explaining how they found the crown while doing restoration on his tomb at the Church of the Holy Sepulchre and realized that it contained drops of real blood, soaked into the thorns. The scientists fold their hands into little triangles and describe how they used the blood cells to create a viable embryo, through somatic cell nuclear transfer. They don’t bore the public with the details of the process. But they do mention that the fetus was grown in an artificial womb. No women involved. And it worked. Nine months later, out popped the infant Lord. Voilà.
When the video is released, Jesus is already twenty-one. Up until that point, he was being raised in a lab underground. The scientists didn’t want him to be exposed to the world too young; you’ve seen what happens to child stars. At first, he was taught by top academics from around the globe: philosophy, history, literature, languages, science. But by the time he reached the upper elementary age, he was telling the professors facts that he had never been taught, that humans had no right to know. Speaking languages he had never learned. For any team members who had doubted the truth of their endeavor, assurance came then. There was no longer any need for the professors to teach him, but they stayed, to learn what he could teach them about their respective disciplines. Those books are forthcoming.
The scientists in the video talk about how everyone involved with the experiment, Jesus included, has decided that now is the time to present the young Messiah to the world. He has come of age, can finally drink the wine that he makes. They then cut to videos of the man himself, performing miracles. Healing the sick. Raising the dead. Walking atop an Olympic-sized swimming pool. Feeding the entire lab staff from a single fish sandwich.
Finally, Jesus himself speaks. He looks directly at the camera and says that he looks forward to reuniting with humanity. We will see him soon, walking among us. He smiles, a million dollar smile. And then the video ends.
To say that it goes viral would be an understatement. It racks up a billion views within an hour of its release. Within a day, it’s reached twenty billion. It beats out “Baby Shark.”
The most pressing question is whether or not the video is real. Sure, the videos of miracles look convincing, but you know what they can do with deep fakes these days. Why come back now? Things aren’t great, but really, when have they ever been? Also, wasn’t Jesus supposed to ride in on a white horse? And the video didn’t seem to have any particular agenda, but really, who wouldn’t want the moral backing of the Son of God behind them? Who can say that the video isn’t just the work of ethically questionable politicians, or perhaps an aspiring cult leader with financial resources and a penchant for flair? Better to wait it out, to see what this new Jesus has to say.
Some people believe immediately, post comments in all caps asking HOW THEY CAN SERVE THEIR LORD AND SAVIOR. It is such a relief to believe in something. Others believe the miracles, but say that the man performing them may not or may not be Jesus. He could really just be anyone who achieved enlightenment. It’s not like it’s that difficult. Some folks claim that he’s the Antichrist, but that’s to be expected.
And of course, some people have been claiming for years that Jesus had been cloned, but they were usually the same people who wore tinfoil hats on podcasts and claimed that 5G was causing gluten intolerance. Others say it seems suspicious that the Second Coming came about through human science and not an act of God. But everything is an act of God. Everything.
The churches respond to the news as well, of course. Some welcome him with open arms; they’ve been waiting for so long. Others dismiss him as blasphemous. And still others are more hesitant, say that they are waiting for more evidence before stating their official positions on this purported Son of God. There are rumors that the entities that manage the Church of the Holy Sepulchre are pissed at the scientists, for taking Jesus’s blood from the crown and cloning him without their consent. However, this is never confirmed.
The internet is also quick to point out that Jesus is kind of hot. More than kind of. There are memes and posts asking for the kinds of miracles that religious authorities would not condone. And no, Jesus is not white. This has the response that you would anticipate.
Within two days, Jesus is appearing on major talk shows, all across the globe. The hosts, with their stiff hairdos and glassy eyes, ask him about his upbringing in the lab and if he is, in fact, the real Jesus. He nods, confirms. They ask him to turn water into wine, and he complies. And then they’re surprised, joke about getting in trouble for drinking on the job, say it’s very good wine. Like Jesus would make shitty wine. They ask him if he remembers his past life, and he says yes, and smiles, but his eyes are sad. They press him for details, but he declines.
Next, he goes on social media to prove himself to the people. His accounts are all verified. He does an AMA on Reddit, and it starts out innocently enough. He answers questions about his childhood (it was pleasant, if a little lonely), Heaven (it’s honestly whatever you want it to be), and whether he likes cats or dogs (all are God’s creatures). Someone asks about the possibility of an army of Jesus clones, and he explains that the scientists and their funders (who would prefer to remain anonymous) care strongly about there only being one of him. They keep his crown tightly locked up, away from nefarious hands. However, the conversation quickly devolves into angry accusations of fraud and requests for pictures of parts of his body that he doesn’t think God would want him sharing. He shuts it down early.
He agrees to a DNA test, to prove that his DNA matches the blood from the crown of thorns. But they have to take it from his hair; he won’t let anyone draw his blood. He doesn’t like needles, too much like thorns. He finds an independent third party to run the test, and they confirm the match, with 99.998% certainty. They also notice that, instead of Y chromosomes, his cells have glowing spheres of light. It’s honestly trippy. This brings some more people to his side, but others still think it could have been faked. After all, it was his scientists who provided the blood sample from the crown.
Eventually, Jesus just says that if people want to believe, they will. He can’t spend all of his time proving himself, and quite frankly, he has better things to do.
Jesus calls for an end to all armed conflicts, advocates for world peace. He preaches love, and caring for one’s neighbors. He travels the world speaking to millions, offering advice and healing the sick, smiling politely for the cameras. He doesn’t need a private jet; he just teleports, because he’s Jesus. And anyway, it’s better for the planet. The Good Shepherd cares about Mother Earth. He puts recordings of his talks online, so that anyone can watch them free of charge. But he’s turned off the comments. You cannot slide into his DMs.
Some world leaders begin to reference his calls for peace at U.N. assemblies and in diplomatic meetings. When any other leaders dismiss him, there is suspicion of ulterior motives. That they don’t really want a peaceful world. He is mentioned during the signings of a few, small peace accords. And he, in turn, references these agreements in his speeches, thanks the parties involved, says he is so glad that the world is moving towards love. But he is, in the grand scheme of things, just one religious leader among many, all calling for peace. The Dalai Lama has been doing this shit for decades.
Jesus also calls for everyone, Christians and otherwise, to stop fighting each other about whether or not he is the real Messiah. Churches have broken apart, new sects forming from existing branches. Parents have turned against children, brothers against sisters, friends against friends with an almost ruthless fervor. He doesn’t want anyone creating conflict on his behalf. They don’t have to believe; they just have to love. Please.
He’s assassinated at twenty-two this time around, doesn’t make it anywhere near thirty-three. He’s shot while speaking to a crowd in Italy by a man screaming about escaping the simulation. This man is, of course, clobbered to death by the crowd within moments. And again, Jesus (and God) let Jesus be killed. He seemed to have a bit of a martyr complex.
There are mass, candlelight vigils and impassioned speeches. A couple billion online tributes. He is given a new burial, a large, marble mausoleum funded by online donations and surrounded by a 24/7 watch of armed guards. At first, fervent followers camp out outside this new tomb, lest he rise again. However, after a few months, most of them shuffle back to their lives. The scientists are asked if they will clone another Jesus, but they decline. Their funders have forbidden it. An online community then forms to try to triangulate the location of the lab and steal the crown back. They hypothesize a few potential locations, but all attempted raids are unsuccessful.
Of course, there is blame. Conspiracy theories. How convenient that Jesus’s assassin just happened to be killed before anyone could ask him questions. There are in-depth investigations into the man’s internet search history, who he may or may not have been working for. He is linked, without much evidence, to governments, terrorist groups, and A-list celebrities from around the globe. None of this has any real impact.
People begin compiling all of his posts and the recordings of his speeches for the New New Testament. It’s already anticipated to top the bestseller charts. But he’s gone, the prophecy fulfilled(?), thousands of years of waiting finally over. And now, there is nothing to wait for but the end.
Natalie Wolf is a writer from the Kansas City area pursuing an MFA in fiction writing at the University of Kansas. She is an editor for One Sentence Poems and a reader for Cottonwood Literary Magazine. Her short fiction and poetry have appeared in Short Story, Long, I-70 Review, JAKE, and more. You can find her on her website and on Instagram @nwolfcats.
Featured photo by Ivan S (Pexels)
