*Tut*
Slowly, Daddy (my husband) gains consciousness and wonders why I’ve woken him up.
*Tut*
Daddy rolls over and looks at me. I’m staring hard at the ceiling. He recognizes that look. Unless he’s very much mistaken, it’s my ‘I’ve-just-tutted-to-wake-you-up’ look.
“Did you just tut me up?” Daddy accuses me.
*Tut*
“Have I done something wrong?” Daddy innocently enquires.
I leap out of bed and start stomping around the bedroom, viciously snapping up the blinds, even though it’s only 4 a.m. Daddy winces in the sudden brightness. And then it hits him. “I know exactly what’s going on here! You’ve just had that dream where I’ve been unfaithful to you, haven’t you?”
“I’m not talking to you!” I snarl, fighting with my dressing gown.
“You have, too!”
*Tut*
“You do know I’ve not actually cheated, don’t you?”
I ignore his protests and strip away the duvet, yanking it from him, as if I expect to find somebody else under the covers.
“It was just a dream! A DREAM!”
“YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, CASANOVA!”
“I’ve been lying here all night!” Daddy defends his infidelity.
“Oh, you’re good at lying, aren’t you, Daddy?”
“IT. WAS. A. DREAM.”
“YOU. KNOW. WHAT. YOU. DID.”
“I. DID. NOTHING. NOTHING AT ALL!” Daddy takes a deep restraining breath, before wisely changing tack. “Look, I’m really very sorry, okay? I was a fool and it meant nothing. It was JUST SEX!”
I perch back down on the bed and lightly rest my hand on his. “Apology accepted.”
A moment passes. “So…?” Daddy begins.
“So what?” I reply, with a dangerous tinge to my voice. A tinge that threatens, “You’d better not ask me who you’ve been fucking in my dream!”
“Oh. Well. Nothing,” Daddy reconsiders.
“Actually, I also have a confession to make.” I admit. “I didn’t get around to telling you yesterday, but I crashed the car.”
“What? The new car or the old car?” Daddy panics.
“Both actually.” I giggle. “I crashed the new car INTO the old car. Then, they both caught fire.”
“NOOOOOOOOOOO!” Daddy leaps out of bed and rushes to the window to see the smouldering ruins of both vehicles. Laughing firefighters surround the wreckage. All of them have their pants around their ankles and are pissing onto the flames. One of them is a polar bear. Which is when Daddy realises he’s dreaming and wakes me up for real. Daddy rolls over and sees I’m fast asleep beside him. He can still smell the smoking ruins.
*Tut*
“Did you just tut me up?” I moan.
He scowls at me. “YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!”
Sadie Kaye is a writer & performer from Hong Kong. Her humour, fiction, rants & reviews have appeared in the South China Morning Post, Cha, The Hooghly Review and various anthologies. She’s a writer & producer for Contro Vento Films and Art Editor for The Apostrophe. She can be found at https://sadiekaye.tv.
